HOW TO MAINTAIN A STRONG RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PARTNER.
Relationships nowadays don’t look like they used to (and that's a
good thing). But what does it honestly take to make a modern romance
work? As part of commited,
we're exploring partnerships ranging from a textbook marriage between
high-school sweethearts to a gay couple creating a life together in the
conservative deep South.
If watching
Gilmore Girls, Scandal, or
The Good Wife has taught us anything, it's that relationships are messy. Personal experience proves it too: From our eighth-grade romance to our most recent breakup drama, "love isn't easy" is a life lesson we know all too well.
No matter your status— single,
dating, engaged, or married—relationships take work. And whether they
end with tears and empty Ben & Jerry's or last until forever may
depend upon countless factors, but your own actions, words, and thoughts undoubtedly play a role.
One thing that'll give you an advantage in the game
of love? Soaking up all the wisdom you can from relationship therapists,
researchers, matchmakers, and more. Here, we've distilled it down to
the very best advice 15 experts have learned. Regardless of your
personal situation, their words may help you uncover the key to
long-lasting happiness.
1. Do or say something daily to show your appreciation.
"Saying and doing small, simple expressions of gratitude every day
yields big rewards. When people feel recognized as special and
appreciated, they're happier in that relationship and more motivated to
make the relationship better and stronger. And when I say simple,
I really mean it. Make small gestures that show you're paying
attention: Hug, kiss, hold hands, buy a small gift, send a card, fix a
favorite dessert, put gas in the car, or tell your partner, 'You're
sexy,' 'You're the best dad,' or simply say 'Thank you for being so
wonderful.'"
2. Realize every relationship has value,
regardless of how long it lasts.
"There’s no such thing as a failed romance. Relationships
simply evolve into what they were always meant to be. It’s best not to
try to make something that is meant to be seasonal or temporary into a
lifelong relationship. Let go and enjoy the journey."
3. Never take your partner for granted.
"This may sound obvious, but you can't imagine how many
people come to couples therapy too late, when their partner is done with
a relationship and wants to end it. It is very important to realize
that everyone potentially has a breaking point, and if their needs are
not met or they don't feel seen by the other, they will more than likely
find it somewhere else. Many people assume that just because they are
OK without things they want so is their partner. 'No relationship is
perfect' shouldn't be used as a rationalization for complacency."
4. Remember to take breaks.
"A friend taught me that no matter how in love you are or
how long you've been together, it's important to take an exhale from
your partnership. Hang out with girlfriends until late in the evening,
take a weekend trip to visit family, or just spend time 'doing you' for a
while. Then when you go home to Yours Truly, you'll both be recharged
and ready to come together even stronger."
5. It's not what you fight about—it's how you fight.
"Researchers have found that four conflict messages
are able to predict whether couples remain together or get
divorced: contempt, criticism, stonewalling (or withdrawal), and
defensiveness. Together, they're known as the 'Four Horsemen of Divorce.' Instead
of resorting to these negative tactics, fight fairly: Look for places
where each partner's goal overlaps into a shared common goal and build
from that. Also, focus on using 'I' vs 'you' language." (Hope you understand?)
6. Stop trying to be eachother’s “everything.”
"'You are my everything' is a lousy pop-song lyric and an
even worse relationship plan. No one can be 'everything' to anyone.
Create relationships outside The Relationship, or The Relationship isn't
going to work anymore."
7. Don't just go for the big O.
"Sex isn't just about orgasms. It's about sensation, emotional intimacy, stress relief, improved health
(improved immune and cardiovascular system), and increased emotional
bonding with your partner, thanks to the wonderful release of hormones
due to physical touch. There are many more reasons to have sex than just
getting off."
8. Look for someone with similar values.
"For long-lasting love, the more similarity (e.g., age, education,
values, personality, hobbies), the better. Partners should be especially
sure that their values match before getting into marriage. Although
other differences can be accommodated and tolerated, a difference in
values is particularly problematic if the goal is long-lasting love.
Another secret for a long marriage: Both partners need to
commit to making it work, no matter what. The only thing that can break
up a relationship are the partners themselves."
9. Try a nicer approach.
"Research has shown that the way a problem is brought up determines both how the rest of that conversation will go and
how the rest of the relationship will go. Many times an issue is
brought up by attacking or blaming one’s partner, also known as
criticism, and one of the killers of a relationship. So start gently.
Instead of saying, 'You always leave your dishes all over the place! Why
can’t you pick anything up?' try a more gentle approach, focusing on your own emotional
reaction and a positive request. For example: 'I get annoyed when I see
dishes in the living room. Would you please put them back in the
kitchen when you’re finished?'"
10. Make sure you're meeting your partner's needs.
"The number one thing I have learned about love is that
it is a trade and a social exchange, not just a feeling. Loving
relationships are a process by which we get our needs met and meet the
needs of our partners too. When that exchange is mutually satisfying,
then good feelings continue to flow. When it is not, then things turn
sour, and the relationship ends. That is why it is important to pay
attention to what you and your partner actually do for each other as
expressions of love... not just how you feel about each other in the
moment."
11. Take good care of yourself.
"There is one major cause of relationship problems: self-abandonment.
We can 'abandon' ourselves in many areas: emotional (judging or
ignoring our feelings), financial (spending irresponsibly),
organizational (being late or messy), physical (eating badly, not
exercising), relational (creating conflict in a relationship), or
spiritual (depending too much on your partner for love). When you decide
to learn to love yourself rather than continue to abandon yourself, you
will discover how to create a loving relationship with your partner."
12. Don't forget to keep things hot.
"Many times people become increasingly shy with the
person they love the more as time goes by. Partners begin to take their
love for granted and forget to keep themselves turned on and to continue
to seduce their partner. Keep your 'sex esteem' alive by keeping up
certain practices on a regular basis. This allows you to remain vibrant,
sexy, and engaged in your love life."
13. Remove the pressure on performance.
"The penis-vagina model of sex comes with pressures, such
as having an orgasm at the same time or the idea that an orgasm should
happen with penetration. With these strict expectations come a pressure
on performance that ultimately leads many to feel a sense of failure and
frustration. Instead, try to expand your concept of sex to include
anything that involves close, intimate connection with your partner,
such as sensual massages, taking a nice shower or bath together, reading
an erotic story together, playing with some fun toys… the possibilities
are endless. And if orgasm happens, great, and if not, that's OK too.
When you expand your definition of sex and lower the pressure on orgasm
and penetration, the anxiety around performance dissipates and your
satisfaction can escalate."
14. Create a fulfilling life for yourself.
"Like many people, I grew up believing that marriage
required self-sacrifice. Lots of it. My wife, Linda, helped me see that I
didn’t have to become a martyr and sacrifice my own happiness in order
to make our marriage work. She showed me that my responsibility in
creating a fulfilling and joyful life for myself was as important as
anything else that I could do for her or the kids. Over the years, it’s
become increasingly clear to me that my responsibility to provide for my
own well-being is as important as my responsibility to others. This is
easier said than done, but it is perhaps the single most important thing
we can do to ensure that our relationship will be mutually satisfying."
15. Identify your "good conflicts," and work on them together.
"Every couple has what I call a 'good conflict.' In
long-term relationships, we often feel that the thing you most need from
your partner is the very thing he or she is least capable of giving
you. This isn't the end of love—it's the beginning of deeper love! Don't
run from that conflict. It's supposed to be there. In fact, it's your
key to happiness as a couple—if you both can name it and commit
to working on it together as a couple. If you approach your 'good
conflicts' with bitterness, blame, and contempt, your relationship will
turn toxic."
TOSKIBLOG WISHES YOU THE BEST IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.